Ghost From Writings Past

I wrote this back in 2006 on the anniversary of my mother's passing. I post it again today for two reasons: I felt I wanted to read it anew and this blog represents a fruition of this little piece. The last line "No one escapes the sweep of history" set a course for the way I understand history, not as a discipline but as a phenomenon of life; as a thing beyond us and from which we cannot escape (except through death of course). In this sense, one could almost use life and history interchangeably.

"...death is a part of life it's something we're all destined to do" -Ms. Gump

Have you ever asked yourself "how will I survive" after thus and such? The actual dynamic of your own experience is relative, of course, but the question is what's important, especially in the context of the loved one gone forever. In anticipation of a life-wrenching event we most always (at least I do) assume we'll either lose our mind or come eerily close to it. But I've come to learn that we humans have phenomenal capacity; that what we often see as insurmountable, in the end, turns out to be our greatest achievement and reason for renewing and becoming.

Six years ago I posed myself that question and not to my surprise my answer was "I can't." Well, here I am and of course I could! It's like in the bible when someone is blessed with the occasion of meeting God. The inevitable result is a different person with a new name and a new physical price to pay, like Jacob (now Israel) who limped ever after. Many are on this side of that occasion and many, like myself, were cast headlong over the event-horizon into that most bitter black hole. As often happens, profound beauty is tempered with the base alloy of tragedy and for me the phrase life goes on fits well within this precept. Life went on without her and still life pushes on with or without us. The best thing I have found to make the emptiness bearable is the radiance and immutability of memory for it is this that makes immortality possible. I must not douse the flame of her memory with the ocean of my sadness. No one escapes the sweep of history!

"In [my] stream of consciousness there's a river crying...You took away my hero will you take away my pain?...I'll carry on the best that I can without you here beside me" JP