Elsewhere in A Somewhere World

Elsewhere, South Texas 2011

Amidst new tests scores released today that indicate Texas' 8th graders scored higher on the National Assessment of Education Progress (NAEP) science exams, a few local parents have taken this opportunity to dispel a few other commonly held stereotypes about Texans, first of which is the boot-wearing-cowboy-hat-donning simpleton who grew up on a backwater ranch. Said one concerned citizen of Elsewhere,

"I think it's time we do this, you know, that we have this stigma lifted."

It is perhaps ironic that this news comes on the heels of recent moves by the State Board of re-Education (SBOrE) to curtail and control the information Texas children are taught in school. References to Islam and their ilk, Mexican-American leadership and heroism, wider global culture and history, and other such 'gobbledygook' have been voted out of State textbooks.

"We need to be about the future," said R. Lubbock Curse, spokesman for the SBOrE,

"Clearly science and technology are where the nation and the world are headed, these test scores prove it. We can't afford to get bogged down by issues of the past, no Sir. A people who remember their history are a hindrance to the future! 'Sides, most of their names are too long to remember anyway."

Attempts by local leadership to persuade State officials about a state wide "Free the Cowboy" day, in which no one wears boots or a cowboy hat for a day; instead opting for "Carl Sagan" or "Bill Nye the Science Guy" attire, have been met with comical silence. Door signs and digital voice mail recordings of many State legislators have been reported as saying, "Sorry Elsewhere, we're somewhere else." This cold indifference has angered a few of the more thin skinned natives.

"We have every right to be angry! Boots and the Cowboy hat are symbols of tyranny and oppression. My great grandfather lost his land and cattle to a man in boots and a cowboy hat, damn it! That, barbed wire fencing, and the law! If we're gonna be about the future--let's do this!!"

Local residents have given the increasingly vocal leadership the moniker "St. Elsewhere 5," a reference their town, yes, but also to a likely forgotten TV drama about doctors who actually save people. This reporter has learned that, sadly, this TV show too has been left out of Texas history books.

"No one really knows what these test scores mean," informs Dr. Enrique Philemon Johnson-Smith, professor of Science and Technology at UT

"For all we know," he continues, "this could be the beginning of a kick ass gaming trend for Wii and XBox where kids cure cancer and develop sustainable clean air solutions for the world's energy problems! You know, instead of stealing cars, amassing wealth in Mafia gangs and those dancing games."